no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
