You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
