you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you made out with another girl for some wings
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
