I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
