my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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