Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
