Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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