you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
