maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
