They should really pass out barf bags in church
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
