Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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