saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
