I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
