If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
