can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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