Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
