She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
