New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
