I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
