i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
