Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
