He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just google imaged poop.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
