You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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