Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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