he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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