is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
