On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
