I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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