And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
