I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
