Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
