Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
