i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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