I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
