I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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