I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
