totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
