It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
