WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I am midnight drunk by noon
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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