the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Mom said you looked used
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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