my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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