im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
