I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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