Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
