After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
