life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
