note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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