dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
