a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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