sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
