im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
