Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
