I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
